Excerpt of an entry I wrote the day Teagan was born:
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April 27, 2015
Today, my beautiful niece was born, Teagan Jewel Castaneda.
Last night I went to sleep at 2:30am after ordering Thai & playing smash brothers. I set my alarm for 11:00 am cause I wanted to have rest for the remainder of my week.
This morning I woke up all scared that I slept through my alarm. I looked at my phone and it was actually only 730am. There were 2 new text messages from Saul & Chels with a picture of them in the hospital.
Teagan was on her way!! I tried to go back to sleep to avoid being anxious for some part of the day, but was too excited. I texted my friend Katie McPherson and told her baby was on her way & then proceeded to go about my day. All I could think about was that little girl & how weird it was that a new life was about to begin.
Later that day Teagan Jewel Castaneda was born.
This was the first picture I saw of her.
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Back in December, when we were all visiting my parents in New York, I had my first interaction with Teagan Jewel. She kicked Chels’ belly and pressed against my hand. That was before she had a name, before I could see her toothless smile & before little nugget herself would give me a few lessons in being an aunt.
&Even though she has grown and developed so much since December (Y’know, the whole being born thing), that was still Teagy way back then. I just didn’t know her name yet, no one did.
The more I’ve gotten to know Teagan, the less it seems like she’s learning& the more it seems like she’s teaching. She’s taught me how to hold her, how to entertain her, how to put her to sleep and even how to wipe her booty just the right way.
The more I’ve gotten to know Teagan, the less it seems like she’s learning& the more it seems like she’s teaching. She’s taught me how to hold her, how to entertain her, how to put her to sleep and even how to wipe her booty just the right way.
That being said, I didn’t know Teagan back then & in the same way I did not love her as her own person. I loved Saul and Chelsia’s child, but that would extend to all of my future nieces and/ or nephews. There was nothing about my love that was special for Teagan.
I didn’t understand that back then and I thought, if anything close to that, that the first moment I saw her and held her, I would give her all my love in that single moment. To the contrary of what I expected, however, it’s been a process& there was nothing instantaneous about it.
When I flew to long beach and met that beautiful, fascinating human being, it wasn't comfort that settled in, but anxiety. I felt like something was supposed to click when I first held her, but I didn't cry & I didn't feel love at first sight. I mean I felt marvel & excitement & commitment, but not comfort. &God, I remember feeling like something was wrong with me for not being overcome with emotion when I met my little niece. I just really set myself up to believe that I already loved that baby with my all.
& that was my first lesson from Teagan, my love for her was not in my control, it was in hers’.
& that was my first lesson from Teagan, my love for her was not in my control, it was in hers’.
I can say with the honest to god truth that I was committed to being the best aunty I could be for her from the moment I found out they were going to have a baby. So I assumed that this commitment was the love that I would feel for my entire life. But then I found out that while theres that kind of love, a kind love. There’s a much more powerful love, a weak love.
That's why my first moment with her in the flesh felt so, underwhelming, to be blunt. I was looking to give her my all, but she made "my all" feel pretty weak. & over time, I realized that this tiny little 9 pound baby (at 3.5 weeks when I met her) was going to be running things.
Teagan straight chillin in her humble abode.
& with the complete help & resassurance of Chels and Saul that is how I learned to love my niece, Teager Tiger. I stopped cradling her when she was crying and I bounced her because she likes it that way. I held her on my lap when she wanted to look around because she has more to do than stare over my shoulder. I did squats with her in order to make her fall asleep. & played with her in her jumper because her mobile was getting boring.
One of Teagan's required sleeping positions as a newborn.
& With all of that being said, I commend Chels and Saul. All that I am to Teags is an aunt, I soothed her with an understanding that I had room to fail and lived with her with room to go do my own thing. If I ever felt like I had reached my limits, I could pass her to mama Chels or papa Saul. For they are the only ones wholly equipped to be everything that Ms. Teagan needs at any given moment. They are Teagan's biggest fans, closest friends and most powerful supporters.
This summer was nothing short of a blessing. When I signed up to live with my sister, my brother-in-law&baby, I thought I'd be helping take care of Teagan& getting to know her, but in the process, bright little Teagan revealed to me how small I am and how expansively I can love.
Tiny teagers is the ringleader& how humbled& honored I am to be a part of her circus.
Thanks Teagy,
Your Aunty Addy
